Day 3 - Panic, Passion and Peace

I had a moment of terror last night.

I was hit like a truck by fear. I couldn't understand why the fuck I had decided to give up everything I know in the city, a job I have been with for 6 years (today is my six year anniversary), a decent income and the comfort and independence of my own little basement suite.

I asked Straggling, "WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? This is possibly the most fucked up idea I have ever had to date!"
I asked Jordenne, "Please tell me this is a good idea? Remind me WHY this is a good idea?!"

Jordenne's reply "This isn't a good idea. THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!"

Straggling - "The question is.... is this your dream?"

The answer is, Yes this is my dream.

But girl don't let your dreams be dreams 

You know this livings not so hard as it seems

Don't let your dreams dreams

And so I have moments of panic, and then I fight those moments of panic with my passion for a what I really want to do with my life.

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life getting fatter and more unhealthy sitting at a desk in an air conditioned office? 

No

Do I really want to fight traffic daily just to get my kids off to day care on time so that I can get to the office on time so that I can make money? 

No 

Do I really want to shop at the big box grocery stores and have no means to take care of my family if those big box grocery stores run out of food?  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUbKin-zrj4) 

No

Do I want to be reliant on a system that I can not control, can not predict and can not in good conscious rely on? 

No

I legitimately fear that the peek oil crisis is going to have an insane impact on the world wide food industry.

I realize that everything you purchase from the SUPER stores is DRIPPING in oil. I realize that with an oil shortage, the cost of food production will sky rocket and so too will the cost of food on the shelves. 

I don't want to meander through life blindly. I don't want to be scrambling for food when the supermarkets aren't getting the stock they need because of an oil crisis.

Everything we eat that is bought in the stores is oil... Oil for production, oil for pesticides and herbicides, oil for transport, oil for petroleum based packaging, oil for feed and for slaughter. Oil.  

How much oil is used to make one bottle of water? 

How much oil is used to make a pre-packaged ham sandwich? 

How much oil is in your kraft dinner?  

- Wheat - farmed with tractors run on oil, seeded with oil, threshed with machines run on oil

- Pesticides made with oil, shipped with oil, sprayed on with tractors run on oil

- Fertilizers - Made with oil, shipped with oil, sprayed on with tractors run on oil

- Wheat - shipped to a factory in trucks run on oil

- Factory - run on oil 

- Cheese - made with oil and chemicals

- Milk and butter - made from cows - shipped and processed in trucks and factories all run on oil

- Cows - fed on grains farmed with oil

- Wheat processed into noodles with machines run on oil 

- Boxes manufactured by machines run on oil 

- Ink to paint their pretty boxes made with oil, printed with machines run on oil

- Shipping from factory to Superstore in trucks run on oil

oil... might as well just drink the shit. 

And how oblivious we are at how much oil it really takes to get one simple meal to your plate.

I haven't been obsessive about what I buy, where I buy it and why I am truly buying the things I buy.

I have just bought the things I thought I needed, as I needed them. 

Only now am I waking up and seeing the bigger picture in all of this. 

And I just can't continue to be a part of this system.

I feel like I'm dripping in black tar... I want to shake off the black.

I want to be green. 

I want to sacrifice that which is killing me and my health and the health of this planet.

I want to get off this toxic fossil fuel addiction and start from scratch.

Go back to how things should be.

I don't want fucking creature comforts like flimsy little cheeseburgers and designer aesthetic garbage, like handbags and shoes, Coach and Luis Vitton, things that merely stroke the ego. "Run ragged by attachment, you find no comfort." - Dalai lama 

I want to let go of the ego and live green.

Black is such an awful colour on me anyway.  

So in all the panic, I look to my passion to remind me why I have made this choice...

And that is where I find peace.

I have found a beautiful peace, a sense of euphoria and bliss, in finally just giving up all that I have known so that I may learn a better way. 

I have no expectations.

I KNOW it will be hard, and cold, and miserable, and tiring, and frustrating, and I wont get enough sleep.. I dont get enough sleep now. 

But when I do go to sleep, I can lay my head down and be proud of my accomplishments and sacrifices. 

I may not make a big enough impact to change the world, or reverse the damage that has been done, but I can encourage others.

Some days I KNOW what I am doing will be revolutionary. 

Other days I still think I've lost my mind. 

I'd rather be a revolutionary who is insane.. than a hypocrite complaining about the system, doing nothing to change. 

Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. Then he is so anxious about the future that he doesn't enjoy the present: the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

Don't let your dreams be dreams

Ssejors

Day 2 - Post Resignation and Reservations

Today the letter that I wrote for the office folks, to inform them of my leave, was sent out to the floor.

I now have 14 emails in my inbox congratulating me on my move.

Yesterday, My boss got a copy of my official resignation and called me practically in tears, full of excitement, beaming and congratulating me on FINALLY doing what it is I really and truly want to do.

Something she said to me yesterday was the most poignant thing anyone has said yet.

"What's the worst that can happen? The worst thing that can happen is you don't give it a try and in 10 years, you look back and regret never trying"

She's right.

I'm thrilled and excited.

I was planning to wait till my mother was feeling better and up and walking again before I broke the news to her, but yesterday I was just too excited and proud that I finalized my decision, so I told her early.
She wasn't beaming, or excited, or happy, or proud that I had made the choice to go after my dreams.

In fact, the conversation wasn't great.

But My mother is thinking about the kids and stability and the future from her own perspective.
I understand that she doesn't see things as I do and I understand her concern is that I not screw myself and my future and the future of the kids.

I can accept that she is not comfortable with my decision. I am comfortable with it and I know that, despite not having a pensionable job, I will still be working hard at securing a stable and secure future for the kids and I.

I will have one of my best friends, Jordenne, at my side to support me, and love me, and kick me in the ass when I need it. I will have her humour and hard headed, no bullshit attitude to keep my confidence up and remind me that even when things SUCK, life is still worth laughing about.

I will have My Moon at my side, to keep me calm, rational, and relaxed. To remind me that life isn't always about money and things. To hold up my head when my head won't hold on. To keep me sexy. To keep me kind. To keep me balanced. To keep me humble. To wean me off the system and its toxins. To bare witness to my crazy and understand even the most irrational moments of my mind, and then make sense of it all. To remind me that I'm not at all crazy and I'm not the only one. To keep me warm at night. And most importantly, to keep me human.

I will have my babies at my side every weekend. Their hearts will keep my own heart full up with love. Their energy will keep me young and on the run.  Their smiles will keep me motivated. Their soft lips will keep me warm when I am tired and cold.  Their little hands will keep me strong in the face of fear.  Their laughter will keep me going when I am dragged down and feel as though I just can't push any harder.

Despite all of these supports, I still have moments of fear.  Not fear about whether or not this is the right choice, but fear of random other things.

Today, it's the cold, though I have lived through colder! But Today's reservation.... FREAKING FUCKING ALBERTA WEATHER! Shovelling hay in -30!

 I need BOOTS!  I need winter carharts! I need Gloves! I need long underwear! I need a proper coat!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorta wishing I was a yak this winter!  They always look so warm. Maybe I'll learn to spin Yak Yarn :)

Anyway, Today is another day! My dreams are coming true. I'm proud and have amazing supports all around me and I am excited !

Till tomorrow...

OMG! FINALLY! TY AJ!

ok so!

I was on night shift for a few years as many of you may well know. Since I went back to work after Maternity leave from having Hunter, I was working 4pm until midnight.

The night shift WAS working for a while. It was certainly working when I only had one baby to run after and Hunter wasn't as mobile and physically able as he is now. Being pregnant with Phoenix and only having to chase the Bean wasn't too stressful. If hunter napped, I napped. But going back on night shift after my maternity leave with Phoenix was quite a nightmare. I would get home from work at 12:30 am, hopefully be wound down enough to be asleep by 1:30 am and then I would be awake by 5:30 am when Hunter decided it was time to rock and roll, basically leaving me with an average of 4 hours of a sleep a night. And 4 hours was Gratuitous! Some nights I couldn't sleep till 2 am or later, and it was not uncommon for the Bean to get up at 4:30 am! Running on two hours of sleep, working nights and taking care of a high maintenance child and 1 year old makes for an extremely psychotic mother!

Three weeks ago I emailed my boss in the hopes that she would understand my situation and help me get back on the day shift. She was less than sympathetic and I was told that she would have to find someone to replace me on the night shift before she could move me to days permanently.

Meanwhile, my life was completely spiralling out of control. I was CHRONICALLY angry at everyone. Extremely frustrated and impatient with Hunter and Phee, even if all they were doing was WAKING UP. I would be so mad that I was awake. I was angry at my kids and resentful of everyone else in my house who were all asleep by 9 pm most nights. The extreme exhaustion was making me a piss poor mother with no patience, no sympathy, no understanding for my son and i was just oozing resentment and anger.

I went to my doctor and spoke with her about my stress levels, as my eczema was taking liberty with my hands. I had to combat at least one heavy infection in my skin since January and nothing was working to clear it up for good. Everything I did with my hands hurt. I would cry on the phone to my mother because the pain was so bad I could barely function. I was afraid to change diapers or feed the kids because it meant washing my hands. I wore gloves everywhere and constantly had water blisters. The pain was immense and I would wish it on no one. I really dint know how I managed for so long. My doctor had given me antibiotics, creams, lotions, dietary suggestions and nothing was working. (Below are a few pics to give you a rough idea of how my hands looked, the white glove picture showes how much weeping and oozing was going on when my hands were infected)


When I went to see her 3 weeks ago she told me she was giving me 2 weeks sick leave. That I was not to continue working nights as it was only making my life miserable.
On top of exhaustion, sleep deprivation, extreme infection and eczema, my children were in danger.
I was falling asleep in the mornings on the floor. The only way i could function in the mornings was to get up with the kids, make them breakfast, put them in their high chairs and then I would go lay down on the floor in the living room and sleep while they ate. I would wake up when Hunter was finally yelling loud enough to wake me up. "MAM! DONE! MAAM! MAAM! DONE!" So there I was passed out on my living room floor, not watching my children while they ate breakfast. What if one of them had been choking??? But i just couldn't stay awake. The final straw was falling asleep on the floor one morning and Hunter climbed over the baby gate and into the kitchen. There, he got into the pot drawer, opened a bottle of Bactine, Poured it everywhere, smeared Vaseline all over the pots and was almost about to climb up on the counter when my sister in law came down stairs and found him. I was sleeping, too tired to know what had happened. She didnt wake me to tell me he had gotten into the kitchen. She merely put him back into the playroom and went about getting ready for work. While she was showering he hopped the gate a second time and that was when I woke up and found him back in the kitchen IN THE POT DRAWER AGAIN. I looked around the kitchen at the mess and everything that was out of place wondering.. what the heck has he been up to... That's when my sister in law came down stairs and told me she had found Hunter in the kitchen and I had completely slept through it all. I told Dave about what had happened and his first thought was that things could have been much worse as Hunter could have been under the sink and into the cleaning products or sitting on the stove!

I told all this to my doctor that morning. I was in tears before I even got to the Doctors office. In fact, my normal morning routine involved at least one hysterical crying jag and a freak out on the kids for the stupidest thing!

I was done. When my doctor told me she was going to give me 2 weeks sick leave I burst into tears of joy!

I MIGHT FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP!

Those two weeks weren't the most relaxing two weeks of my life but I managed to recoop some sleep and my hands have healed significantly, though not completely.

After making a few phone calls to work before the two week sick leave was up, I found out that I had a new boss. She is my angel. I have known her for a few years now, working here and she also knows Hunter very well. She was extremely understanding and emphatic that I be put on day shift right away as it was only going to cause more long term issues for my and my family's future. I started back on day shift Mon - fri 8 am - 4pm this past Tuesday.

AJ, I cant thank you enough. Ty for understanding. Ty for seeing me as a human being w needs. TY for doing everything in your power to make my life and my future a happier one.

Back in the Game!

Soooo... I've come back into the land of ADULTS!!!!

MATERNITY LEAVE IS OFFICIALLY OVER!

Some of you may wonder, "Why on earth would you be excited to go back to work?"

Well... I'll tell you why!

Because by 3pm I am ready to run away from home with nothing but the clothes on my back!

I change one butt after another after another! And LET ME TELL YOU, they might be the cutest little butts on earth but they don't smell like ROSES!
I cook, feed, clean, feed, clean, feed, then sweep, change, sweep followed by MORE Cleaning!
I think I sweep the kitchen floor 4 - 8 times a day, depending on what the babies are EATING.
I chase children, I play with children, I reprimand, and discipline children.
I Laugh and dance with children. I sing ridiculous made up songs to them all day long!
I let them sit on my lap. I share my ice cream with them WHILE they are sitting on my lap, hands and fingers all up IN my ice cream bowl.
I forfeit hot tea for luke warm tea sans cream and sugar, just so I can get a MILD caffeine fix!
I forget to eat because I am too busy running around cleaning and feeding and catering TO the babies...
I love them to the end of the earth and back... but hot dang! I want a hot meal!
I need the private time. The quiet time. The Me time. The adult time. The sanity!

So here I am... Happy to be back at work.

And Now that I'm back to work I will use my time... to blog about my babies! LOL! AND WORK! I WILL ALSO WORK! I PROMISE!

Working Weekends Makes Me Whiny

D told me yesterday "Don't tell yourself this, but I'm starting miss doing stuff with you on the weekends. I'm kinda looking forward to you being on Mat leave again so we can just pack up and go do stuff. But Don't TELL yourself that!"

I miss having Saturday's and Sundays off too. If we want to do anything like go to the Zoo or The Flee market, it's just not possible. Anything we do has to be on Friday night or Sat Sun Night. UGH! And The Calgary Zoo is only open till 6 pm. So I think that we are going to plan to go to the Zoo on May 18Th which is a Monday and Dave and I both appear to have the day off. Yes it's kinda sad that I have to plan a one day outing to the zoo a month in advance. :'( We no longer have the luxury of just picking up and going somewhere on the spur of the moment. I'm a spur of the moment kinda person. When I was still on mat leave I called Dave on a Friday and asked if we could go to my G & G's for the weekend. "This Weekend?" "Yes, like, as soon as you get home from work, we can just... go?" He He He. I had all day to pack our stuff up and off we went to Cranbrook to see the family for My Grams Big Birthday! That was a fabulous weekend and My Gramma didn't even know we were coming till we were 30 Min's from her house. It's about a 4 hour drive, with kids.

And !!! The All the good Frigging concerts and Festivals and events happen on Saturday and Sunday! I wont be able to go to Lilac Festival this year. And If I do get tickets to the Calgary Folk Music Festival I wont be able to go till 4pm. Which will probably be OK because then I still have 6 hours of Fest left to enjoy! But what a crappy shift! Granted it was my choice but my option was to work Mon - Friday 4 pm - midnight having Saturday and Sunday off with family but no week nights at all. Or Mon, Tues, Wed, 4 - 12, Thurs, Friday off, Sat Sun Day 8 am - 4 pm. This way I have two weeknights and the evenings on weekends off. I think I see the family more this way but I sure don't get to do a whole lot on the weekends.

One good thing is that I have had some of my requested Vacation days Approved. I have Wednesday July 1st off for Canada day and then the Thursday, Friday as usual. I put in for VA days on the Sat Sun so I have a 5 day weekend in July! WOOT! Now to figure out what to do for that 5 days.

I did request 2 Days off in August for the 8th and 9th so that the family and I can join Up's and Down's at the Our Lady Queen of Peace Ranch (Previously Called the No Ka Oi Ranch). This is a special Equestrian Summer camp where we get to sleep in TEE-PEE's ! "The Our Lady Queen of Peace Ranch is a recreational facility designed to provide a FREE outdoor experience for children with life challenges" That's gonna be super cool. So far, it's our one family vacation this summer that we are all looking forward to, and by We I mean ME! There is a lake, a swimming hole, a fishing hole, Hiking trails, Horses for the kids, Teepee's for sleeping in, Sport's field, wagon rides, playground. Man, I'm glad I have kids. I would never be able to go back and do all this cool stuff if I didn't. Can you imagine Dave and I going off to summer camp for the weekend and playing on the playground and riding horses by our selves! LOL


oooo! Folkfest will be fun.. I just finished talking to Dee and she wants to come with Bean and I. May 14th is when they announce the official line up and the early bird tickets go on sale. I will keep you posted about who the headliner is this year. If you are interested in joining The Bean, Dee and Myself at this years folkfest let me know! Can't sneak any Red Wine in this year though. Gawd I'm a lush. Constantly lamenting the fact that I can't drink! LOL

One cool thing is that Hunter will be big enough to enjoy the kiddie pool this year. Last year I took him to Riley park with Sam and Beany was just so tiny. He couldn't even sit up so I just floated him around in the shade on an air mattress and splashed him once in a while. This year he will have a blast at the kiddie pool so that's something I can look forward to doing on Thursday's and Friday's. Daddy bought Bean a little shaded kiddie pool for the backyard which will come in handy for those hot days when I'm feeling too fat and lazy to take 3 buses to the park! LOL I <3 Daddy! He's a smart man. And I bought Hunter Boy a fancy schmancy Lil Sunscreen swimming outfit to keep him from being sun burnted! So I think we are all set for Summer! If Only I had more time for Camping! /cry!

WANTS TO GO CAMPING PLEASE KTHXBAI! ! ! !


Kerry! Hi! Lets Plan a Camping Weekend for July 1 - 5 TH! Dave can't say no to his big sister! That's Sacrilage!

UGH!

I'm terribly blah today and have had no motivation to write anything. I have spent most of the morning reading blogs and searching for widgets that I like but... Epic Fail.

I wanted to put a nice gadget or widget on my blog that listed books I am reading but I can't seem to find one. Can anyone help?

I also wanted a nice little guest book for all you Non-Commentors and Lurkers. I couldn't find a decent yet simple guest book so I got a Shoutbox. It's on the left for those of you who just wanna say Hi! I call it The Delurker!

Today is just a seriously blah day. I'm not interested in eating because I'm feeling way too disgustingly obese. I am at work and I really have no one to talk to and I swear my mouth is dry from not actually talking to anyone in over 2 hours. D calls once in a while but he is off to get Mr. Sam today and I can't keep him on the phone all day. It's days like these where things are very slow that it feels like my brain is melting. With absolutely nothing to do and no motivation. The knitting isn't going all that well and I tend to just fray and ruin the practice yarn so I'm not confident enough to actually start on a project. But even if I had something that I needed to do it probably wouldn't get done today. Just that lazy and unmotivated.

I'm really happy to back at work. I'm contributing financially, getting some time to myself and feeling as though I have an outside life that is not kid related. But I really don't like anyone I work with for the exception of Becky. She and I seem to get along pretty well. We have a similar personality and sense of humor. She is very funny and seems to deal with bullshit fairly well. However, there are a few people who have been working in this department, on the same shift for so long and I feel like I am a speed bump in their regular work routine. I never thought that men were the catty, talk-about-you-behind-your-back type, but I am apparently wrong. Some people don't do well with change. Some people have personality clashes. This is obviously something I am going to have to re-accustom myself to. I forgot what it's like to work in an office environment. I was briefly working in construction and totally loved the upfront conflict resolution that tradespeople possess. I have a problem and I'm gonna tell you (probably very loudly and boisterously with a flourish of swear words) what it is and you are gonna tell me how you feel in the same, if not more boisterous, tone. Then when we have all the yelling off our chests we will find a solution and solve the problem. No grudge. No backstabbing. No bullshit. Just conflict resolution. This seems to be a man thing.
The office way of dealing with things it to; firstly, email your two or three closest colleagues and bitch about it; secondly, in your email you must completely exaggerate the issue; thirdly, don't actually confront the issue or the person who has caused said issue. You must not talk openly or honestly to resolve the issue. This would eliminate the problem and hence, give you nothing further to talk about. You must also align yourself with as many people who share similarities with you. The more friends you have the more people you will have on your side in the event of a conflict. Also, you will have more people to bitch at and respond to your emails. If you are extra special you will include your boss in your catty, bitchy emails. It's like Survivor! They should do an Inter-Office Survivor. Now that would be dramatic reality TV at its finest. And lastly, do not help any newbs out! This will make them more efficient and better at their jobs and the last thing you need is competition. Try to make sure that the newbs look as completely stunned as possible, this way you will ensure your place on the boss's Pet List. This may mean sending a few "tattle-tale" emails but it's worth it in the end when you are still the boss's favorite.

Bah! I do my best to remove myself from the Office Drama. Usually I stick my face in a blog or a book and just ignore the nonsense. LOL Or work! I will also do my work to keep busy! I do actually work now and then.