To Make A Farm

This Movie Makes Me Excited

To Make A Farm

Day 3 - Panic, Passion and Peace

I had a moment of terror last night.

I was hit like a truck by fear. I couldn't understand why the fuck I had decided to give up everything I know in the city, a job I have been with for 6 years (today is my six year anniversary), a decent income and the comfort and independence of my own little basement suite.

I asked Straggling, "WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? This is possibly the most fucked up idea I have ever had to date!"
I asked Jordenne, "Please tell me this is a good idea? Remind me WHY this is a good idea?!"

Jordenne's reply "This isn't a good idea. THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!"

Straggling - "The question is.... is this your dream?"

The answer is, Yes this is my dream.

But girl don't let your dreams be dreams 

You know this livings not so hard as it seems

Don't let your dreams dreams

And so I have moments of panic, and then I fight those moments of panic with my passion for a what I really want to do with my life.

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life getting fatter and more unhealthy sitting at a desk in an air conditioned office? 

No

Do I really want to fight traffic daily just to get my kids off to day care on time so that I can get to the office on time so that I can make money? 

No 

Do I really want to shop at the big box grocery stores and have no means to take care of my family if those big box grocery stores run out of food?  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUbKin-zrj4) 

No

Do I want to be reliant on a system that I can not control, can not predict and can not in good conscious rely on? 

No

I legitimately fear that the peek oil crisis is going to have an insane impact on the world wide food industry.

I realize that everything you purchase from the SUPER stores is DRIPPING in oil. I realize that with an oil shortage, the cost of food production will sky rocket and so too will the cost of food on the shelves. 

I don't want to meander through life blindly. I don't want to be scrambling for food when the supermarkets aren't getting the stock they need because of an oil crisis.

Everything we eat that is bought in the stores is oil... Oil for production, oil for pesticides and herbicides, oil for transport, oil for petroleum based packaging, oil for feed and for slaughter. Oil.  

How much oil is used to make one bottle of water? 

How much oil is used to make a pre-packaged ham sandwich? 

How much oil is in your kraft dinner?  

- Wheat - farmed with tractors run on oil, seeded with oil, threshed with machines run on oil

- Pesticides made with oil, shipped with oil, sprayed on with tractors run on oil

- Fertilizers - Made with oil, shipped with oil, sprayed on with tractors run on oil

- Wheat - shipped to a factory in trucks run on oil

- Factory - run on oil 

- Cheese - made with oil and chemicals

- Milk and butter - made from cows - shipped and processed in trucks and factories all run on oil

- Cows - fed on grains farmed with oil

- Wheat processed into noodles with machines run on oil 

- Boxes manufactured by machines run on oil 

- Ink to paint their pretty boxes made with oil, printed with machines run on oil

- Shipping from factory to Superstore in trucks run on oil

oil... might as well just drink the shit. 

And how oblivious we are at how much oil it really takes to get one simple meal to your plate.

I haven't been obsessive about what I buy, where I buy it and why I am truly buying the things I buy.

I have just bought the things I thought I needed, as I needed them. 

Only now am I waking up and seeing the bigger picture in all of this. 

And I just can't continue to be a part of this system.

I feel like I'm dripping in black tar... I want to shake off the black.

I want to be green. 

I want to sacrifice that which is killing me and my health and the health of this planet.

I want to get off this toxic fossil fuel addiction and start from scratch.

Go back to how things should be.

I don't want fucking creature comforts like flimsy little cheeseburgers and designer aesthetic garbage, like handbags and shoes, Coach and Luis Vitton, things that merely stroke the ego. "Run ragged by attachment, you find no comfort." - Dalai lama 

I want to let go of the ego and live green.

Black is such an awful colour on me anyway.  

So in all the panic, I look to my passion to remind me why I have made this choice...

And that is where I find peace.

I have found a beautiful peace, a sense of euphoria and bliss, in finally just giving up all that I have known so that I may learn a better way. 

I have no expectations.

I KNOW it will be hard, and cold, and miserable, and tiring, and frustrating, and I wont get enough sleep.. I dont get enough sleep now. 

But when I do go to sleep, I can lay my head down and be proud of my accomplishments and sacrifices. 

I may not make a big enough impact to change the world, or reverse the damage that has been done, but I can encourage others.

Some days I KNOW what I am doing will be revolutionary. 

Other days I still think I've lost my mind. 

I'd rather be a revolutionary who is insane.. than a hypocrite complaining about the system, doing nothing to change. 

Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. Then he is so anxious about the future that he doesn't enjoy the present: the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

Don't let your dreams be dreams

Ssejors

Day 2 - Post Resignation and Reservations

Today the letter that I wrote for the office folks, to inform them of my leave, was sent out to the floor.

I now have 14 emails in my inbox congratulating me on my move.

Yesterday, My boss got a copy of my official resignation and called me practically in tears, full of excitement, beaming and congratulating me on FINALLY doing what it is I really and truly want to do.

Something she said to me yesterday was the most poignant thing anyone has said yet.

"What's the worst that can happen? The worst thing that can happen is you don't give it a try and in 10 years, you look back and regret never trying"

She's right.

I'm thrilled and excited.

I was planning to wait till my mother was feeling better and up and walking again before I broke the news to her, but yesterday I was just too excited and proud that I finalized my decision, so I told her early.
She wasn't beaming, or excited, or happy, or proud that I had made the choice to go after my dreams.

In fact, the conversation wasn't great.

But My mother is thinking about the kids and stability and the future from her own perspective.
I understand that she doesn't see things as I do and I understand her concern is that I not screw myself and my future and the future of the kids.

I can accept that she is not comfortable with my decision. I am comfortable with it and I know that, despite not having a pensionable job, I will still be working hard at securing a stable and secure future for the kids and I.

I will have one of my best friends, Jordenne, at my side to support me, and love me, and kick me in the ass when I need it. I will have her humour and hard headed, no bullshit attitude to keep my confidence up and remind me that even when things SUCK, life is still worth laughing about.

I will have My Moon at my side, to keep me calm, rational, and relaxed. To remind me that life isn't always about money and things. To hold up my head when my head won't hold on. To keep me sexy. To keep me kind. To keep me balanced. To keep me humble. To wean me off the system and its toxins. To bare witness to my crazy and understand even the most irrational moments of my mind, and then make sense of it all. To remind me that I'm not at all crazy and I'm not the only one. To keep me warm at night. And most importantly, to keep me human.

I will have my babies at my side every weekend. Their hearts will keep my own heart full up with love. Their energy will keep me young and on the run.  Their smiles will keep me motivated. Their soft lips will keep me warm when I am tired and cold.  Their little hands will keep me strong in the face of fear.  Their laughter will keep me going when I am dragged down and feel as though I just can't push any harder.

Despite all of these supports, I still have moments of fear.  Not fear about whether or not this is the right choice, but fear of random other things.

Today, it's the cold, though I have lived through colder! But Today's reservation.... FREAKING FUCKING ALBERTA WEATHER! Shovelling hay in -30!

 I need BOOTS!  I need winter carharts! I need Gloves! I need long underwear! I need a proper coat!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorta wishing I was a yak this winter!  They always look so warm. Maybe I'll learn to spin Yak Yarn :)

Anyway, Today is another day! My dreams are coming true. I'm proud and have amazing supports all around me and I am excited !

Till tomorrow...

Day 1 - Decisions and Notice

Today I gave my notice at work.

I have agonized over the decision to move to Sundre for weeks now. I have gone back and forth with this for far too long, and I KNOW  with every ounce of my being that this move is the right thing to do. It's revolutionary. It's right. It's the start of a new life. It's real. It's amazing. It's scary. It's the start of a revolution. It will end my fucking hypocrisy. Plus, I just wasn't QUITE hippy enough.

Sadly, Nancy, the boss who I have had for the last year, went on sick leave due to cancer about a month ago. I had wanted to give her my notice as I know she would be ecstatic about my decision, but she wont be working for a while, so I gave my notice to an acting manager and another business manager on the floor who are covering for Nancy.

I told Elizabeth last week that I was ready to give my notice of resignation in December. Today I asked if she and Richard could have a meeting with me and I laid it all out for them as to when and why I am leaving Telus. Richard reminded me that because I am leaving on a good note with Telus, that I will always be welcome to return. I cried off and on through out the meeting and felt good about how it went.

After having the manager meeting, I took my two closets team mates aside and explained to them that I had given notice and my last day would be the 14th of December.  Matthew was extremely happy for me, Ivar is happy as well, though he is a bit emotionally distraught by the thought of my leaving the team.

I then took a moment to tell the rest of our network team that I had given notice and why I was leaving. Everyone seems to have a mixture of happy for me, and sad to see me go.

I don't think this is a real surprise to anyone as everyone here knows how passionately I feel about sustainability, and living a nature life, off-grid and outside of the system.

Against the Grain.

Today, I feel liberated.  Free... One step closer to my dreams.

Don't let your dreams be dreams.

I am less afraid now.

I will be sad to leave the office as I have made many amazing and awesome friends here. December 14th, I will cry.

One of my best friends in the whole world, My life wife, I met here at Telus, 6 years ago. It will break my heart to leave her behind. She is my rock, My love, My wife, My soul mate, and my gypsy queen. Every single day that I come to work here at Telus, she is here, and she has always been the best part of my day, and the most amazing thing to come out of this job. Telus served a purpose for me, and that purpose was to help me have the kids, and to meet Chelsea. Now I have my babies, and Chelsea will forever be my Life wife. If I leave Telus, I will not lose either, and so it is time to move on.

So Today...

I made the final decision and gave my notice.

I have decided that I am going to keep a blog diary to document the progress and process and pain that will be this new adventure.

I invite you to join me.

May I introduce Mabel! 

Holstein/Jersey Cross Milker.

She's just a baby but she's a rare breed milker and I look forward to learning to Milk her!